Valerie letter to V

I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

X

~ From V for Vendetta

V - The real hero

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
~V's intro speech from Vendetta

Why not!

A guy went to an interview. He was questioned for an hour. The interviewers were impressed with his technical stuff. Then came the final question. They showed him a painting and asked him what it meant. The painting was about a scene on the river bank. A very pleasant river bank with green trees everywhere. In the middle of the river, stood an old man with half his body inside the water and both his hands raised above his head. He was trying to say to something. Seeing that, the candidate thought for a minute and then said, the man was drowning in the river and was trying to get some help. He was immediately rejected. The justification given by the interviewers was that the candidate was too pessimistic. They had expected him to say something like, the old man was performing some kind of a ritual saying some mantra aloud or something of that sort. Probably that would have meant that the candidate could take things optimistically and could think optimistically.

Why should someone be always wrong in think something pessimistically. Everything in this world has two sides. Where there is a positive, there must be a negative. A negative alone can balance a positive. If you are going to look only at the positive side, without bothering about the negative side saying that you are optimistic, what will you do if something negative happens accidentally? Its always good to be well prepared to face the bad things, rather than taking it all too unexpectedly.

If everyone should think optimistically, then we wont have all the things that we have now. Some guy made the aircraft. Probably he is a very nice optimistic guy. But someone else must have thought about it pessimistically, what happens if the aircraft runs into some problem in mid-air? He came out with parachute! If car manufacturers were over optimistic that their car will never meet with an accident, then they wouldn't have put any bumber or airbag in the car. Even in case of a software, we expect it to fail at some point or the other. Thats why companies spends millions of dollars in maintaining a testing team.

So why not go out and think a bit differently about things, never mind about pessimism or optimism. Probably we can come out with new stuffs that we never knew of.

Answer THAT question

When I dont have any work to do, I get bored. I dont try and find something useful to do. But when I have something seriously worth doing, I try to find some crappy thing to do instead. I believe this blog is one such crappy stuff. If you still want to continue, its your fate. Go ahead. After all, who am i to stop you!

I have come across this question a lot of times. But i have never cared to give it any thought. Basically, my idea is why should I be so stupid to give it so much thought. But now,I think this thing is of utmost importance. This thing holds the meaning for the very existence of our life.

There are thousands of questions that remain unanswered. Mysteries waiting to be solved. Mysteries bigger than Holy Grail itself, waiting to be solved.Why are we here? May be we were kicked outta THAT place. How did we get here? May be we didnt have enough money in THAT place, ultimately sent to this place - a place for downtrodden ! Why do we exist,after all? May be to get our revenge on the people of THAT place, for sending us here. Is there a life after death? probably we should ask the people of THAT place!If so, where do we go after we die? Where else! we go back to THAT place again. Why do we die, after all? probably a chance to get back to THAT place.

Probably, the above things are only few of my unanswered questions. A lot of them still remains locked in my heart! Well now to the ultimate question that faces us. This one question should answer all our other questions. Probably should answer every question that everyone of us have. By the way, what is "THAT" place! where the hell is that! I have been working all day trying to figure out where to find the solution. Finally I start realising something. How can we find out where THAT place is , without going to THAT place! Now i get it!

This situation looks something like - Who came first - Egg or Chicken? Egg must have come from chicken. But Chicken must have come from Egg. Dont bother about the rooster(By the way,who cares about the male!). I have had egg a few thousand times and chicken also a few thousand times. But never did i get any realisation about who came first! Probably i should try something different other than eating, to find the solution! If it had been that easy, the question would have been answered long ago by my ancestor, who were voracious chicken and egg lovers, to the best of my belief.

Probably this chicken and egg stuff seems too complex, so to bring down the complexity, I will take up another simple thing to answer our ultimate question. We need an axe to make an axe. So how did the first axe come? Well , in theory, it could be like the first axe was a rough simulation of the evolved and more stable latest beta version that we have today. Using this rough simulation, the second axe should have been made. Using this more refined prototype, the others were made. But in the course of time, we have lost the first and original axe. This leaves us with no other option than to simulate that original scenario to bring back our original axe. We should probably gather all the axe, put it in some deep sea. Now the situation is we dont have any axe left with us. So we have to create the first original axe again. But why should we do all this! I dont know. It was fun, writing this blog. Good to waste your time!

A sudden self Realisation

I happened to check the synonym of the word - "Ungrateful" and found it to be "Not feeling or exhibiting gratitude, thanks, or appreciation". Well, something strikes me. This whole stuff sounds familiar. Where did i see this! where did i hear this! I started racking my mind. I dont know where i saw that. but still everything sounded too familiar.

It was then, realisation struck me. The process of self realisation always helps you discover deeper depths, inner implied meaning of a lot of things. Shit!... how did i miss that! Everyday....every minute... i 'm living in the midst of it, it is right here....surrounding me...always around me.... but still i was too lazy, or probably too immature or even naive, to note that i was surrounded by it.

No one really accepts it heartily that he/she was fooled. The feeling is not exactly quite comfortable. Now, with that uncomfortableness, i start realising i was fooled. Didnt even have a clue as to what was happening. Not once, but a hundred time!

Why did i allow myself to be manipulated ! How did i allow myself to be manipulated ! It just reminds me of a towel! when you need that, you search for it, find it! Ok, you use that! juz throw that and move ahead! You dont care what happens to it! Your work is done! Thats was all, you wanted !

Yeah, true. This world is like that. The small world that i saw in BITS is not the real one. World is much bigger, much deceptive, a thousand times more cunning than i thought! Lies, hate, ungratefulness, jealous - Every where. Every one is actually waiting to use someone else to get his work done. If you close your eyes for a minute, that it. You find that a hundred people have used you but only a few genuinely care about what is happening to you! Till you find those "few" people, life is difficult. Everyday survival is just a battle!

A Fresh start

As a kid, i always used to wonder what this one really meant! "Computer" - This word always used to puzzle me. I have always wanted to open a computer and see what lies inside that. Then came the Internet. One more thing in my never ending list of "puzzling things". I never understood what it meant(Even now i dont, just that i have got used to it! ). I have always had a aversion towards biology ( Reason: may be its very silly, but the truth is i feel very disgusting to see, talk or even think about operation, operation theatre, hospitals,...). This one combined with my fascination for computer made me choose Computer Science Group over Biology Group ( there were just two group in my school) in my higher secondary.

Very soon, my romance with computer science ended with a series of low score in the tests and to add to the woes, i had a very boring and uninteresting teacher for Computer science. I never cared to be awake in her classes. The practical classes, were even more boring than the theory part. Only consolation being the games that were available on the lab machines. I started going to computer science tution in my twelfth standard. Though, i didnt understand anything, i just mugged up everything, right from hello world program to some multi-threading programs in the practicals. Somehow I made a very decent score in computer science in 12th and got away with it!

Then came the very difficult part, choosing stream in my UG program. I found physics to be a much better choice compared to computer science(as per my higher secondary experience). Hence, i took up ECE in GCT, Coimbatore( though, there was a big dilemma to choose REC computer Science) and when it was time to enter my choice for BITS, i made the biggest mistake of my life. I chose EEE over other courses. Being honest, I never understood why i took that and i still dont understand anything in that! I will say i dont even know the basic kirchoff's law or the norton and thevenin's theorems in EEE ( For all these names, i had to search the net! ) Somehow, i crossed three years in BITS with EEE and now in fourth year, i find that i'm irresistibly attracted to Computer science. May be addicted to it. But to be honest, i dont have any scope in EEE any further. Probably thats why i'm teaching myself to turn my attention towards some other thing! Whatever it is, now i really dont have any option....Just to stay atop of the tide and let myself get carried where it takes me!

Left stranded!

Fours months have gone after coming here. Now just one more month to go. I hear all kinds of news. I develop all kinds of doubts, confusion. Everyone has started to think about job. People have started making jobs in their PS. Tension starts gripping everyone. Uncertainity is my companion! May be I should have been there in the campus for the first sem! A lot of other "May Be's" come to the mind! Now comes the luck factor. When things dont go your way or when the going gets tough, you blame all your inefficiency and inability on this innocent, non-existent "Luck Factor". You feel you are unlucky. I'm no exception!

Everything was new after coming here. I was introduced to this glamourous corporate life(Glamourous n charming - to stay out n watch but not once you get into it). When i really started getting the corporate feel, i have to get back to where i believe i really belong. The problem is that even that isin't permanent. I can't sit back and relax. I have to find a way to make my way back here. I dont have a sense of belongingness in either place. Not here, Not there. Its all gone. The feeling of belongingness, feeling at home in bits , everything is gone now. Same is the case with this life!

Now i'm in a really confused state. I can't stop thinking about this! Where do i really belong! Neither here ....nor there....do i belong...then where is the place for me! When your mind does the same thing over n over and again n again, it really loses the likingness for that. If this job has given me such a feel in just four months time, then I really can't think about doing this work for the rest of my life! yeah...i'm really left stranded! stranded in the middle! hanging in balance....Waiting to take side!

Diwali madness!

Diwali - The Festival of lights! The day, Lord Krishna killed Naragasura. Well, thats what oldies will say when you ask them what is diwali! May be its nothing more than a way to earn two days holidays or way to take a break from your busy n boring life. May be this is what a Bangalorean will say!

A typical lower middle class family man sees this as an oppurtunity to get his children some new clothes, crackers, sweets... get his wife some new sarees.... the much awaited break to take his family to his In-Law's place....or probably to some movie. whatever it is, surely its the time for the whole family to be happy...to enjoy...atleast once in a year!

Every city certainly springs into a rocking mood for diwali. Coimbatore, this normally silent city (silent after the serial bomb blast) has certainly got back on its feet for this diwali. That was visible from the rush that was there in every shop! Crowded Streets, Crowded shops, Crowded buses!It was evident from everything!

The day before diwali, you could see every two wheeler carrying more than two people! I started wondering why there was such a madness ! You can see every shop overflowing with eager and anxious people who rush to make their last minute purchase. Sure, diwali is the time to enjoy. Everyone have every right to do that. But not at the cost of others....others happiness!Well, i started realising the fault wasn't theirs!

Coimbatore being a city of mills, having as much mills as the colleges there(though only a handful of them are operating these days!) has a huge number of people working in mills and other industries. Every year, they get bonus for diwali from the mill and industries. People start planning and make their list of purchase well in advance...i wont be surprised if i learn that they had started their planning as early as June! But the mill owners just drag n drag till the very last minute. Exactly a day before the festival, they give the diwali bonus to the workers. In such a situation, what else do you expect ! just madness...craziness everywhere! What are they going to lose if they give that money sometime in advance! If they have decided to give the money, then why should he hold that back till that very last moment! If people get that amount in advance, it will atleast allow the people to make their purchase at their leisure, not in such a hurry!

Well, when are they going to learn to be rational! This mad rush could really turn out to be disastrous! Already we hear a lot of people have got killed in Stampede...road accidents.. and a lot more on this diwali eve!Sad things happening when it was actually the time to be happy! when are they going to realise their mistakes! If done once, its mistake...If its repeated again, then its a blunder! Wonder who is going to put an end to these blunders!

Expectations!

I'm not a saint and so are you! May be saints don't wish for anything or don't have any expectation. Even that is not true. He's always waiting for salvation. Expecting an answer to his life or whatever! Everyone of us have expectations.

You get up in the morning expecting a bed-coffee from your mom. You get ready. Go to the office expecting some better assignment than your current boring one. You submit your code to your manager expecting some recognition, a word of praise, encouragement. All in all, right from dawn to dusk, you have few expectations.

Well, with expectation, there comes every possibility of disappointment. You expect something to happen, but it turns out to be other way round. You get disappointed. It can be a small disappointment like missing your bed-coffee to a bigger one like missing your promotion. Whatever it is, disappointment surely pulls your spirits down.

Once you get disappointed, you recover quick. It happens twice, fine. you can take that too! but if it keeps happening, then comes the problem. You start thinking. Why does this thing happen. Why does this thing "always" happen! That too, only for me! Then, there comes the transition. Your disappointment changes into frustration.

May be, you can overcome frustration too! But, when things don't go well, when you are already frustrated, then comes the biggest problem of all. Your frustration turns into depression. All the way, if you have had some support, probably it would have been better, may be you wouldn't have come to that state.

Few people stay fine, when they dont think much ( Anand, Praga- guess you know who i'm talking about! others ignore and move ahead!). Once they start thinking, then comes the problem. When people go to a depressed state, they start thinking a lot. Lot of crazy stuffs, real crazy stuffs. So, what is the solution? The best solution, probably, is "Dont have any expectations!", which ,of course, is not possible in one way or the other. So, finally, it boils down to "A Solution-less Problem Case!". You get into it, you go through that. Only you know how to come out of it!

Life

Some people say Life is beautiful while other consider Life to be nothing more than a mere burden. Well, how do i see Life? what is my perception ? I have never thought about this. Not till this very moment.

I will call Life, a mystery, probably more interesting and thrilling than a Ludlum's novel. It is a mystery, that is waiting to be solved. Everyday, the things that unveil are so varied, different, interesting and above all, unexpected. You can expect every god damn unexpected thing to happen. Every now and then, it keeps springing surprises. Be it good or bad, whatever it is, its a sweet mystery.

Never had any plans for the future. Its always too easy to take things as it comes. Nothing to worry. No big plans on hand. Sit and relax till you encounter something. How wonderful it is! Yeah,true!nothing to care about...worry about...But this one doesn't always work out. You , sometimes, have to stay prepared for a few things.

Its not always a cake walk. Sometimes, you need to really fight hard for survival. If you haven't planned, you might not be in a position to face the situation, for no one is an expert in handling all the challenges that life throws at you.

May be, this is the reason for my change - from "a careless, dont care about the future - guy" to "a worried about the future - guy"! With age, comes responsibilities, and of course, few worries too! But, probably thats the beauty of life. In every phase, you come across new things and eventually you learn to tackle that too. So, guess i have hit such a thing and its time to learn a few things!